I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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