You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
