well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize