So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
