When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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