Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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