I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
