you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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