every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
