yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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