I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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