You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
