i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Randomize
