so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
