dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
