I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
