my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
