it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
