hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
