are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dicks are not precious.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize