I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
