I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
even my farts smell like vagina
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
