Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
