I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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