I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
