I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
