i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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