Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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