apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
