Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
