You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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