ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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