nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Mom said you looked used
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
