everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
