i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
