Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
