He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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