Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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