I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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