I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
