My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
