$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
