I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize