I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
sarcasm needs its own font
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
