Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
