Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Randomize
