I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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