If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
