Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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