as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
