Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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