What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
