yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
