DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
