Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
