Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
