This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
