Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
