this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
