He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
